Worse Than The Unknown

I've heard it said that the worst fear is that of the unknown. If you could know how you were going to die, would you find out? I wouldn't. In fact, I would say that there is a fear, or perhaps a hopelessness, worse than fear. To know something tragic is going to happen, but not know when.

An extreme example would be the prophets. Some not only had prophesies concerning their time, but of the far future. Can you imagine? Knowing, waiting, and it never happens before you die? The mockery you would receive and have to endure? I have a friend who had a very specific vision of September 11 years before it happened and he was mocked and scorned horribly, until it happened. Then suddenly the mad, doomsday prophet was the one his peers were going to for advice and comfort.

I digress. This isn't about the prophets. This is about a relationship between a mother and her daughter; my mom and me. Being a parent now, I know the worry you can have for your child. I'd do anything to ensure the safety and security of my little Bear. I never imagined that that same worry could be reversed. The only difference is that there isn't anything I can do to prevent the inevitable. When she had her last stroke 5 years ago, we were told her heart was giving out and she is now inoperable because of her stroke risk. She had days, weeks, months, years...there was no way of knowing, but the doctors were fairly certain that she will die from a heart attack. Days turned into weeks turned into months turned into years until we are here.

I am my mother's guardian . I ensure she is taken care of. I do my best to make her happy. When I drop her off at home after a visitation, I never know if it's the last time I'll see her. It's a terrible expectation. When my phone rings late at night or early in the morning, I'm terrified it's her caregiver with bad news.

So here I am. Afraid of the unknown? No. In a constant state of worry. Not ready for that chapter of my life. But I'm glad she is happy and that she literally trusts me with her life. When the world shakes its head at me, I know that one thing has not changed in this mother-daughter relationship. My mommy loves me, is proud of me, and prays for me.