Worse Than The Unknown

I've heard it said that the worst fear is that of the unknown. If you could know how you were going to die, would you find out? I wouldn't. In fact, I would say that there is a fear, or perhaps a hopelessness, worse than fear. To know something tragic is going to happen, but not know when.

An extreme example would be the prophets. Some not only had prophesies concerning their time, but of the far future. Can you imagine? Knowing, waiting, and it never happens before you die? The mockery you would receive and have to endure? I have a friend who had a very specific vision of September 11 years before it happened and he was mocked and scorned horribly, until it happened. Then suddenly the mad, doomsday prophet was the one his peers were going to for advice and comfort.

I digress. This isn't about the prophets. This is about a relationship between a mother and her daughter; my mom and me. Being a parent now, I know the worry you can have for your child. I'd do anything to ensure the safety and security of my little Bear. I never imagined that that same worry could be reversed. The only difference is that there isn't anything I can do to prevent the inevitable. When she had her last stroke 5 years ago, we were told her heart was giving out and she is now inoperable because of her stroke risk. She had days, weeks, months, years...there was no way of knowing, but the doctors were fairly certain that she will die from a heart attack. Days turned into weeks turned into months turned into years until we are here.

I am my mother's guardian . I ensure she is taken care of. I do my best to make her happy. When I drop her off at home after a visitation, I never know if it's the last time I'll see her. It's a terrible expectation. When my phone rings late at night or early in the morning, I'm terrified it's her caregiver with bad news.

So here I am. Afraid of the unknown? No. In a constant state of worry. Not ready for that chapter of my life. But I'm glad she is happy and that she literally trusts me with her life. When the world shakes its head at me, I know that one thing has not changed in this mother-daughter relationship. My mommy loves me, is proud of me, and prays for me.

Hawaii!

The last time Nick and I had a REAL vacation was our honeymoon 5 years ago.

FINALLY, we're going to have one. We're going to Kailua-Kona, Hawaii at the end of October!

If anyone deserves a vacation, it's Nick. All biases aside, he is literally the hardest working person I know. Today, for example, he woke up at 5:20 to go to work at QuickLearn Training. After that, he'll be off to Youth Group.  We'll get home around 9:30 and he'll get to work preparing for tomorrow's class that he's teaching. He will finally be done working around 11:30. That's essentially an 18 hour day.

Besides work, we've had a lot of poo hit the fan over the last few years. 5 years of stress has definitely taken a toll. I feel different. Almost incapable of having fun or staying happy for longer than a day.

Don't get me wrong. Lots of good things have happened, too. Plenty of wonderful holidays, relationships developed, Nick becoming a Youth Minister, I'm leading worship again, Bear was born, we moved into The Barn with 8 members of our incredible family. We've always had a roof over our heads and food on our table. We've had support and help through every big event, whether it was happy or sad.

But, no break. Back when I was being diligent about blogging (lol), I wrote a blog about setting aside a day a week to have a Sabbath. We weren't created to go 24/7. While not necessarily straight from the Bible, I believe we weren't created to go 24/7/365. Nick's only day off every week is Saturday, which usually has a very full schedule anyway. So he doesn't even normally have his weekly Sabbath. And becoming parents, though the best moment in our lives was her birth, has added more responsibility to every day.

One last push. Our vacation is less than a month away and I haven't been taking nearly enough care of myself. I was down to 181 in July of 2011; I'm 207.9 right now (not the largest I've been over the last year). I used to go for hours with Just Dance; now I can barely handle 15 minutes. I used to do the stairs without issue; now I huff and puff at the end.

This is simply not acceptable. I need to be more active so I can walk the beaches with my husband and daughter. Ideally, I'd like to be under 200 lbs by the day we leave, but that's 8 lbs away and I only have 28 days to get there. So I'll just say my goal is to be more fit by that time.

Vacation will be so much fun and I will enjoy it!

Sudden Grief

You know what I mean. You're going about your day, watching Disney with your daughter when you check your Facebook...

Your best friend wrote you asking you to call her immediately 15 minutes earlier. This isn't normal.

That's when it came. I felt like Loki being thrown around by the Hulk. One of my best friends from high school, Tim Stephens died in a car accident last night.

In high school, Tim, Sonya, Jason, and I were inseparable. Even before Sonya, the three of us were good friends. All of us were always doing things together. They were always at my house eating my parents out of house and home. At youth events, all of us hung out with each other. The two of us were total opposites. He was totally a cowboy and I was a city slicker. There were lots of jokes about that. He was a loyal friend then, and I'm sure he carried on that characteristic throughout the last several years. Regretfully, I lost contact with him over the years, but recently found him again on Facebook after around seven years of lost contact.

You know that feeling when you see a really good friend for the first time in years? You just carry on like no time has passed. This was like that. I instantly felt like I had just seen him yesterday and now he's gone.

I've experienced deaths in my life. Grandparents and acquaintances. This is the first time a good friend has passed.

While I do grieve and I have cried, there is also a blessed hope. Tim knew God. He is with Him now.

I look forward to the day when the four of us will hang out again; with every other family member and friend in the blessed presence of God.

Defeat

Defeat. There few worse feelings than the feeling of defeat.

If you let it, it will drag you down.

If you let it, it will keep you down.

If you let it, I will make the horrible your norm.

If you let it, you'll forget where and who you are.

That's a difficult place to pull out of.

The key is to recognize where you might be in these levels. I have been gaining and losing the same 15 lbs since last July. My clothes are tight. I am out of shape. I know what I ought to be doing and don't do it. I have made the horrible my norm. I'm beyond being held down or dragged down by defeat. At some point, I subconsciously gave up.

Time to cowgirl up.

Divine Intervention

I don't know about you, but I hear a lot of others talk about how such-and-such a thing was "divine intervention". Up until this week, I'd only had what I considered divine intervention twice in my life and that was twice in the same year. The first was when I called Sonya for the first time to hang out. Her phone didn't even ring because at that exact same time, she was picking up the phone to call me. You have to understand we barely knew each other. We were in the same french class, but sat on opposite sides of the room. We were in Concert Choir, but she was an alto and I was a soprano. We didn't have mutual friends. We didn't go to church together. The only reason we had each other's number was that a year before, she had asked me to help her learn her part for choir.

The second time was at the end of my senior year in high school. I was driving home from school with my brother, who had somehow managed to fall asleep in that short amount of time. A car had been tailing me the whole drive, so he didn't see my blinker or brake lights when I went to turn on my street. He hit my rear going 45 mph and I was shoved straight toward a ditch. I pushed harder on the brake, to stop us. When we finally came to a stop, my brother woke up and we were somehow right beside the ditch rather than in it. The car was totalled and I got severe whiplash (causing me to wear a brace to graduation and giving me a twitch that I still have to this day), but my brother was uninjured and my injuries would have been much worse if we had crashed into the ditch.

On Sunday this week, Bear had two bumps show up on her shoulders. I dismissed them as bug bites. On Tuesday, she had two more, I still dismissed them. She plays a lot outside. However, on Wednesday morning, she had several bumps along the top of her back, a few more on the left of her back, two under her armpit, one on her tummy, and one behind her leg. This concerned me, so I called to make an appointment with her doctor. The only time she had available was 4:00, which worked out nicely because Julie was giving me a ride and wouldn't be back until around 3:00. At lunch, she only had a few bites of Mac n' cheese and I couldn't get her to drink after her chocolate milk she had at 8:00 that morning. She wanted Lewis to hold her, but she didn't want to play. She took her nap an hour early. When she woke up, she turned on her mobile and just laid there silent. She didn't call for me or start playing with her toys. When I came in and turned the light on, she didn't stand up to greet me. I went over to her and asked if she wanted to get up. She said "yeah," so I picked her up. Hot with fever, limp. I tried sitting her down and she didn't want to separate from me. So I laid her on top of me on the couch and took her temperature. 101.4. She cuddled with me until Julie got back (around an hour); unusual because she's not a cuddler.

We rushed to her doctor who promptly sent us on to the ER at Seattle Children's Hospital when her temp was 102.4, her HR was 204, and her breathing was a bit low. Just as we were getting ready to go, Bear threw up what little she had eaten and drank that day. Rushed to the ER where they did every test in the book and started pumping fluids through an IV. Just as we thought she was getting better, she started shaking severely and threw up again. We were admitted. Through the rest of the night, they continued giving her fluids and checking her vitals. When the doctor came to look at her in the morning, it turns out the illness and "rash" were separate things. The rash was actually bug bites. She has some virus that was wreaking havoc on her body.

Had she not had all those bites, she would not have been able to get into her doctor's until the next day. Had she not gone to the doctor's we would not have gone to the ER until the shaking (around 11:30 PM). It would have been much worse than it ended up being. Why did the bugs decide she was a buffet when she hasn't had any bites so far this summer? Divine Intervention.

God cares.

The Potency Of Parental Emotion

There are some things you can't grasp unless you experience them yourself. When I became a mother, when I held Mary in my arms for the first time and looked into her beautiful eyes, I thought I understood a mother's love for her child. It's immediate and overwhelming and wonderful. However, nothing really prepares you for when your child is sick and getting poked with needles in unmentionable places and examined by every doctor, nurse, and their mothers. This has been a long day.

This morning, Bear woke up with a spreading rash on her back. I set an appointment for this afternoon. She didn't really touch her mac n' cheese at lunch, which is odd for her, and took her nap nearly an hour early. When she woke up, she had a fever of 101.4 and she was limp and lethargic. When we got to her appointment, we discovered her temp had gone up, her pulse was 204, and she puked up what little she had to eat and drink. Her PA sent us to the ER at Seattle Children's. In the ER, they took blood (slightly high white blood cell count), examined her, pumped fluids through an IV and took a urine sample in the most painful way. Just when we thought she was improving, she puked again, her temp went back up, and her pulse increased again. They decided to have her admitted so we can figure this out. Everyone is stumped. My little one is now asleep snuggling Bucky the Beaver (Beanie Baby) because she threw up on her lamb.

I wept with her. I felt her pain. I hungered and thirsted along with her. I laid with her on the exam bed. I hated being powerless to help her.

How much more does God love us? Our parental relationship with our children is meant to reflect God's love for us. He weeps with us. He feels our pain. The difference is that He is not powerless. He is omnipotent. He fulfils our hunger and thirst and provides comfort when we need it. If what I've experienced today is at all what God feels for us, we are truly blessed.

On another note, I have a new understanding for parents of ill children. I don't know how you do it day after day; I could barely handle one day. My heart and prayers go out to you tonight.

BFF

I was using this phrase before it was popular. It actually means something to me. My BFF is Sonya McKinnon. We met in high school. I introduced her to her hubby. We did Master's Commission. We left around the same time. She was essentially an adopted member of my family. We've been through so much and have depended on each other for a shoulder to cry on, even if we were on opposite coasts. We have mourned our miscarriages and celebrated the births of our children. We wept when my family fell apart and celebrated when we found out she was moving to Washington.

No matter how long it's been since we've seen each other, we always just pick up where we left off. Just recently, I saw her for the first time in 5 years. The first thing that happens is Bear vomiting on her carpet. No big deal.

It took me until my Senior year of high school to get my BFF. I was a teenager with an extremely low self-esteem and didn't trust very easily. I had moved many times and had friends say that they would stay in touch and it didn't happen, despite my best efforts. But there was something about Sonya; something told me I could trust her (probably the Holy Spirit). So I did. And we've been sisters ever since.

Are you open to people or have you corked yourself into a bottle of solitude? Are you too afraid to meet and spend time with new people? Now, I'm not saying to just trust people instantaneously, but you shouldn't close yourself off.

Who knows. Maybe that wall flower is your BFF and you both just don't know it yet.

Busy Bees

"I'm tired from my long day."

"I can't wake up early."

"I can't do it because I'm on vacation."

"I have too much studying/homework/work."

The list goes on and on. We are such a busy culture and we often look down upon those who do take breaks (Heaven forbid). We have so much in our personal schedule that it interferes with other things that are important: God and our family. Why is it that real quality time with those we love most is placed below everything else on our list of priorities? How often have you snapped at a loved one because you were in the middle of something? It's just not right.

If you don't have time for God and your family, you're too busy. It's time to cut something out or ask for help in accomplishing your tasks. It is vital not only for your sanity, but also for your soul to slow down and have relationships with people.

Take a break or you will get broken.

Pro Ana?!?

I've heard of these websites. Places where people with eating disorders can encourage their anorexic or bulimic behaviors. However, when I went and looked at them to see if I'm in danger of going there myself, I was horrified (which I think means I'm not).

I nearly cried at the lies these people believe about themselves. They honestly believe they're worthless and on each site I went to, they proudly proclaimed that their lifestyle may kill them, but they believe that means they've truly reached perfection. How terrible. I wanted to reach through my computer and embrace the authors and tell them that these things are not true. They are created in God's image and He loves them regardless of their appearance.

On one site, they listed 70 reasons to not eat and they were familiar to me. Had I seen such a list before? No. But they are the same lines my personal demons have used on me in the past. I won't be specific about it, but they were each along the lines of saying I'm worthless and ugly and the only control I'll ever get is to starve myselfl

These are NOT true. Do not believe these tired lies that the enemies of God have been using on so many for so long. You were fearfully and wonderfully made.

Blood Is Thicker Than Anything

There has been a very unfortunate, and public, dissolution of a family I know and it breaks my heart to see.

Some of you may know about my own family issues. If you don't, there's no reason for me to dish out the details. Just trust me that it was/is a horrible situation. Through the climax of the problem, I took it upon myself to try to keep things together. Conversations and interventions took place on several occasions, but nothing worked. After losing my car and going into debt to the tune of around $4500 over trying to her things, I finally gave in that there was nothing I could do. Rather than immediately give it over to God, I gave up on Him for a while. I blamed Him for allowing everything that happened and often wept in despair. Thank goodness for Nick, who never gave up on God. After a few months, I gave it over to God.

That was a year and a half ago.

Are things perfect now? Absolutely not. Are hearts beginning to heal? Yes, for the most part.

There are some hurts that simply cannot go away with a simple "I'm sorry;" even if it's sincere. Some things take time. Some things don't or won't change. But the moral of the story is this: family can overcome anything over the course of time; don't let your problems consume you because it won't solve anything, it will just drive you crazy.

Being A Yes Or No Woman

Matthew 5:34-37 (Jesus speaking)
34"But I say to you, make no oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, 35 or by the earth, for it is the footstool of His feet, or by Jerusalem, for it is THE CITY OFTHE GREAT KING. 36 "Nor shall you make an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. 37 "But let your statement be, 'Yes, yes' or 'No, no'; anything beyond these is of evil.

It's a good thing I haven't been making oaths on this diet. lol.

Seriously, though. How often do we (I) say "I'll start doing better tomorrow or on such-and-such a day"? I say it all the time. Do I follow through? Sometimes; until the temptation gets to difficult to give in to. We're not guaranteed tomorrow or such-and-such a day. We need to make our yeses and Nos true.

Have you been guilty of not following through? Me too. I'm not just talking diet. This could be any variety of things. Just pray for help and get to it.

Let's let our yes be yes and our no be no starting right now.

Dark Night

My heart goes out to those people and their families who victimized in Aurora, Colorado last night. It is simply atrocious how evil people can behave without any apparent motivation.

I understand every person has their own way of coping, but the image of Batman is just that: an image, a fictional character. He doesn't dole out justice or weep for the citizens of this world or pray to God. I've seen picture after picture of Batman with a ribbon or Batman with a cross. I'm not saying it's wrong or offensive, but I think that there is something important to keep in mind.

A real Hero does exist. He weeps for the wicked choices men make and for those who are directly affected by it. Justice and wrath will be given to those who dedicate their lives to evil; mercy and salvation to those who love Him and His ways. He is always with us to guide us and He daily defends us.

He is the Hero we should be seeking.

Grown-Up Nerds Live In Neverland

Why do we have to grow up or out of the things we love? Life is so full of depression and madness, why not escape to Neverland every once in a while?

I am a geek and proud of it.

I love Doctor Who and super hero movies; Disney and Muppets; Mickey Mouse and Blues Clues and I'm fairly certain I like My Little Ponies more than Bear does.

I'm not ashamed of this. I have FUN while playing with and watching shows/movies with my daughter. Of course, there are kids shows that irritate me. I can't stand Barney's voice. I want a bird to fly down and rip out his vocal cords so he goes mute. I can't stand Dora. Did you not hear my daughter say "backpack" 10 million times already? Can't you remember 3 directions? I mean, one of them is reaching the destination!

I digress. I may be teased for my nerdiness, but I enjoy my life. Do you? What are you a geek for? I'd like to hear some of your childish dreams.

Do The Potty Dance!

I cannot express how happy I am that Bear is now potty training. She has yet to do anything in the toilet, but she does sit on it and enjoys flushing it. The other day, I was writing about envy. Well, that's because I was really wanting another baby, but we aren't in the situation where it would work right now. I've been praying for God to help me overcome this envy and I think He has.

I am SO done with changing diapers all day. Steadying a squirmy toddler so I can get er done, getting poop on me accidentally, dealing with changing the bag in the diaper champ. Done. It didn't really bother me until she told me she was ready to start trying the potty with an enthusiastic nod. The moment I sat her on that toilet, I realized the freedom I'm missing out on.

The effect? Intense research, shopping for a training potty, downloading the Pull-Ups Potty Dance App, immediately beginning the potty training process. AND ready to be without diapers for a couple years.

Praise Jesus for swift answers to prayer!

I-I-I Workout

So it's been a while since I consistently worked out everyday, but I have been for about a week. For those of us who are self-conscious about our weight or those of us seriously trying to get healthy (or both), I think the enemy has a specific tactic for us. People say we don't workout because we're lazy, but that's not the case. I've known overweight people (including myself) who work harder than fit people. We have great discipline in other areas of our lives, but working out just seems to evade us.

Here's the line I think the enemy uses to derail us: you're tired from working so hard and if you work out, you'll feel worse and more tired.

Studies have proven over and over again that working out gives energy and happiness. I can tell you from experience that this is the case. When I go a long time without working out, my body is weary and my mind is weak. I tend to be moodier and more sensitive as well. However, when working out becomes a habit for me, I'm happier, more energetic, and less tired. Now, I'm not saying it's easy or that you'll see instantaneous results. It took a long time to get unhealthy, it will take a while to get healthy. In fact, it's hard; really hard. Don't start out too long or hard. You may actually be tired after working out for some days. As you continue to be diligent, you'll start feeling better.

I can hear some of you now: what does the enemy care about my weight and health. First of all, he hates our guts...all of us...and he will do anything to make and keep us unhappy. Second, this activity requires persistence, self-control, and discipline. Once we start using these in this area, they can spill out into other areas in our lives. We can start persistently praying and seeking God. We can start saying "no" to the things of this world. We can start making a difference in the Kingdom of God.

Why does the enemy care? Because if we succeed in improving ourselves to the glory of God, we can endanger his mission. Does he think you're a danger to his mission?

Minor Success. Major Celebration

I'm a midnight snacker. I admit it. Recent studies have shown it's not all bad to have a midnight snack because it keeps your metabolism working throughout the night...you just have to be selective about what you snack on.

There is this amazing key lime pie that called out to me all night long. It WANTED me to eat it. Every time I got up (2-3 times), it whispered my name from the fridge. Finally, I ended up standing in front of the fridge, staring, and arguing with myself.

To eat or not to eat? That is the question!

That's an easy one. Not.

What? That quick? We haven't even discussed things.

There's nothing to discuss. No.

But it's SO tasty!

So are bananas. Why don't you have a banana?

I'll start snacking better tomorrow.

You've said that everyday for the last few weeks. I no longer believe you.

*pout*

Don't you put at me! If you eat that, you'll only enjoy it as long as you're eating it. After, you'll feel guilty and beat yourself up about it. No sleeping for you!

Ugh...you're right...I'll have a banana...

So I had a banana and went to bed. That pie is still calling me, but after saying no all night to it, it's not so difficult now. Maybe I'm starting to get this self-control stuff.

The One I Wrestle With Most

Self-Control. Not in general. A specific self-control. Against food. I have been struggling with it ever since I was called "tubby" for the first time in 7th grade. Motivation to lose weight has gone back and forth between appearance and health. Now I see the issue is deeper than that.

By letting my cravings control by behavior, I give it a kind of power over me. I'm done allowing it to have power. I take it back and give it to God. No longer will I sit and mindlessly snack on butter toffee peanuts. No more dessert everyday. No more sky-high piles of food on my plate (twice). No more excuses or exceptions or just this last times anymore. As Sarah from Labyrinth said:

"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom as great. You have no power over me."

Only the castle is this moment, the Goblin City is my WLJ, the child is control, the Kingdom I am part of is greater than he who is of this world.

No longer will this darkness consume me to consume everything. I give it to my Light, my Way. He is my truth and I will embrace Him.

Envy Makes the Heart Grow Colder

Envy. The Bible warns about it, but it's one of the most difficult things to conquer. Especially when you see someone attaining what you want while you're in the midst of working on it. The foreigner taking the path to citizenship while seeing the alien live in a country illegally. The woman trying to conceive while seeing everyone around either pregnant or enjoying the children they have. The family living in a small apartment visits a family at their 3,000 sq ft home. The man stuck at the bottom seeing his coworker get promoted...again.

It's difficult. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. However, it is vital for us to avoid envy. Envy does more than make you unhappy with your current situation. If you allow it to remain, it will make you bitter. The bitterness will make you cynical. Your cynicism will cause you to judge the one you envy. That judgment will make you lash out at them. And, finally, that expressed anger will strain or destroy your relationship with that person.

The inward sin of envy leads to outward sin that affects people besides yourself. It's this way with any sin. One always leads to another.. the consequences get worse as they progress.

Be careful what you wish for.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff...Enjoy It!

It's easy to snap at the littlest things. Maybe someone in your family never empties their pockets before they put their dirties in the laundry. Maybe someone always leaves their half-drunk beverage on the counter and forgets about it. Maybe you stubbed your toe. Maybe you hate hypothetical situations. I think you get the point. These little things can ruin our whole day if we let them, so it's important to weigh the severity of the situation before reacting because, let's be honest, getting blow-up angry never really solves a problem, it only creates a new one.

Now let's turn things around. What if you let the little things make your day great. A smile from a stranger. A beautiful sunrise. Your little one's giggle when you tickle her. If we let the little good things affect us to the same level we let the little bad things do, maybe we'll be a bit happier.

Just food for thought.

Rip Van Winkle

I envy Rip Van Winkle sometimes; or anyone else who gets to sleep a full 8 hours every night. Most nights after I put Bear to bed at 8:00, I have at least an hour's worth of chores left. Then, I need to unwind before I can get to sleep. It's usually sometime between 11:00 and midnight when I finally get to bed and experience that glorious feeling when your sore body relaxes into your mattress. I love that feeling. I get up early to workout...well, you get the picture.

Some people would attribute this lack of sleep simply from being a mother. Sure, she keeps me busy, but there are other roles to fill as well on a daily basis: wife, daughter, sister, daughter-in-law, granddaughter-in-law, sister-in-law, niece-in-law, cousin-in-law, auntie, housekeeper, chef, minister...more than the average person needs to do everyday. But is this truly the root of my exhaustion? I think not.

There are lots of people who aren't mothers or wives or this or that and are just as tired as me. Why is that? Why is it that even if we get our full REM cycle, we still wake up weary. It's the burden of living in this world. Day after day, we are inundated with news of greed, lust, and anger (and I'm not just talking international news, this is personal news, too). I don't care who you are, living with that tension 24/7 is just too much for these physical bodies of ours.

How do we solve this? Sabbath. Friends who aren't Christians, stay with me here. While the Sabbath does represent God's resting after 6 days of creation, it is also designed for us. We just aren't built to go go go without ceasing. Once a week, I celebrate what I call Jammie Monday with Bear. Every Monday, we stay in our jammies and chill. I don't go anywhere or do anything (aside a couple dishes here and there). Now, I'm flexible. If something comes up that requires me to skip it, I do. But I feel it for the rest of the week.

I know not everyone has a full day to just relax. If you do, take it! If not, maybe set aside an evening every week where you do take-out and use disposable dishes and get comfy cozy with a good book or movie. No work allowed. I challenge you to do that. And after a while of this being habit, I'll bet you have a little more energy.

Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter Cleaning

To follow-up on yesterday's blog, donate the stuff you don't use to your local Goodwill or Salvation Army or whatever is there. Some people do Spring Cleaning where they not only clean, but go through their belongings and decide what is worth keeping. I challenge you to do it quarterly. Your home will be less cluttered and you'll be helping a good cause (and if you're like me, assisting in the running of your favorite shopping place).

Besides the material benefits, the Bible is chock full of passages about helping the poor and not storing up treasures here on Earth. You've read about faith without works being dead? Giving a man your coat if he asks for a shirt? "But I have no money to help them!" Maybe not, but I'd wager if you went through your closet, you'd realize just how many items you don't actually use. Someone else can use them!

That brings me to the second point. Don't be a dragon sleeping on your immense pile of treasure in your cave in a far off land. What use is all that gold for a dragon? It's not like they need to buy a house or clothes or food (villagers do just fine). I digress, it's selfish to hold on to things you don't use, but could be useful to others. One too many pans? Donate! Mix-matched sheets? Donate! Clothes you haven't worn in the last 3 months (aside from temperate reasons)? Donate! There is NO reason to keep it!

In the end, you can't take it with you. Your designer clothes and expensive accessories can't be worn through those Pearly Gates. Our real treasure is stored up in Heaven. It's better than any of the rubbish we have here. This world is not our home, so stop acting like it is. Make your short journey here worth it and show the love of Christ.

Donate. Donate. Donate.

I <3 Goodwill

Over the last few months, I've been trying to stay cheap when it comes to clothing. At first, I tried only shopping Clearance. I don't know if you've gone through a Clearance section lately, but it ain't what it used to be. A couple months ago Bear puked while we were out. It got on my shirt...a lot. I had a change of clothes for her, but not me. I tried going with just my undershirt, but felt naked. I quickly went to Old Navy and straight to Clearance. The cheapest thing I could find was a plain green t-shirt for $10! TEN BUCKS! On Clearance!

I thought, "There HAS to be a cheaper way to get clothes."

There was. That's when I discovered the bounty that is Goodwill. I often hear from people, "I can never find anything at Goodwill." I used to say the same thing. The reason people think that is due to our instant gratification culture. We think we should be able to walk in and out in minutes or click on it and we're done. Shopping at Goodwill, or any other second-hand store takes time. When I go, it's at least for an hour, if it's only clothes I'm looking for. If I'm looking at more, it could take up to 2 hours. But I can ALWAYS find something. Kids clothes are especially good because kids grow out of them so fast. Why spend $12 on a shirt she'll grow out of when I can get one just as adorable for $.99 at Goodwill?

So how do I find cute stuff at Goodwill? It's not skill; it's patience. Pure and simple.

Currently on The Young and the Restless...

That's how I often feel: young and restless. Before her strokes, my mother followed that soap everyday. Price is Right was right before it. When I was home sick, we would cuddle on the couch, my head in her lap as she stroked my hair, and watch together...well, I was usually asleep by the time the soap came on. I miss her.

Now, I fix her hair. I tuck her in when she stays over. I get her plate together and ensure she has Diet Coke when she's out at my home. I answer the hard questions for her (What state are we in? Are we going to my Dad's for the 4th? When will my brother's visit?). She can't remember my brother's or my birthdays. She often refers to my brother as "Rance" in conversation. The other day when conversing with Julie and Lewis on her way home she asked, "Now...Katie...she's my daughter, right?" It's difficult to see her like this, but I'm glad I'm able to be here for her.

This on top of being a mother, wife, cleaning, cooking, and worship leading makes for a restless, sleepy lady. Would I change any of these roles? No...maybe the cleaning part.

Direction Change

Originally, this blog was about my weight loss journey. After a couple months of reflection, I discovered the issue runs deeper than that. Over the last several years, I have dealt with some incredibly difficult circumstances. Some still affect me and attempt to steer me off course. My life is a constant struggle to remain pure, peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruit, unwavering, and without hypocrisy. This blog is now about my successes and failures with attaining these characteristics. Trust me...it's an amazingly difficult venture.

Cholesterol...Really?

As I sit here watching Bear figure out nap time in her baby monitor, I started thinking about this WLJ and how it all began: a fear of becoming a burden on my family as I age. Don't misunderstand. There is no greater love than to care for your aged and ill parent, but I don't want to have to need help when I'm old.

I got some blood tests done and unexpectedly found out I have high cholesterol, which really freaks me out. My doc said I need to go on a low-cholesterol diet and lose weight. So here I go on a whole new chapter in my WLJ. 

Its Been A While...I'll Tell You Why

3 weeks. I haven't weighed myself in 3 weeks.

Myfitnesspal tracking? Check...sorta...

Fitbit? Check.

Desire to lose the weight? Check.

Willpower? Nuh-uh. Nope. Nadda. MIA.

I have had a couple super good days; like I took a spin class last Tuesday and proceeded to workout the next night. I've been on this WLJ for a year and a half now and have made no progress since July. In fact, I've GAINED weight since then.

So why haven't I blogged? Embarrassment. Pure and simple.

I am going to continue to do my best to get back on track, but I just feel so discouraged right now. I will start by weighing in on Saturday...yeah. not looking forward to that...

Failed A Goal...Now What?

It appears as though I failed to hit my Comicon goal again.

But...it's not even May 4 yet...

Yeah. But in order to hit my goal at this point I'd have to lose 4.7 lbs a week and while they can pull big numbers like that on The Biggest Loser, there's just no way out here in the real world. Plus, I want the weight loss to last and I know that slow and steady wins the race.

So...now what? Comicon was a major motivator...

But not the ultimate prize. While it's a massive disappointment that I won't be meeting Matt Smith, Arthur Darvel, and Karen Gillam next year, when I hit my goal weight, I will look better, feel better, and be healthier for my family and myself.

So cheers to failing! Without it, success wouldn't be as sweet!

WI 3/3/12

I was good this week. I had a good feeling about the scale.

0...0...0...193

Yay! A 3.4 lb loss! Good morning Katie Kat!

I was especially proud of myself yesterday. I had my first workout since all this dental work happened. I only lasted about 20 minutes, but I did it! Bear and I went to lunch with GG and Gabe at Red Robin. Glancing over the menu, there were lots of tempting things.

Ooo...guacamole bacon burger with bottomless fries!

You don't want that...

Teriyaki Chicken Sandwich with bottomless fries?

Closer...

Wrapped in lettuce for no extra charge.

Even closer...

With broccoli instead of fries?

THERE YA GO! Good choice!

So that's what I had and it was delicious. To be honest, it's the best thing I've ever had there. Between that and my breakfast, I didn't have enough calories left for the pigs in a blanket that were planned for dinner. So I had Greek yogurt and Slim fast and started doing dishes as soon as I was done so I didn't eat the pigs in a blanket. It was so hard. They smelled SO good,but I didn't give in!

WI 2/25/2012

Key in hand, I find my way back to the gate. It had been a long week. It was painful and difficult.

This week's journey cost me my&nbsp; wisdom teeth and I was drugged for relief from the pain all week. I tracked everything I ate and was careful to stay within my calorie allowance because I couldn't workout.

I had the key, but knew it would only work if I was under 200. I can't believe I let myself get back here. Hesitantly, I stepped onto the scale...

196.4

Whew! As quickly as I could, I put the key in the lock and turned it. Bright light shined on me and it hurt my eyes because I had been in the dark for so long. I ran into it and a flood of relief hit me. I looked around. It appeared normal again. I had a path again and it was clear. Taking a deep breath in, I moved forward. This is going to be a good week.

May the fourth be with you!

Good Feeling

Sometimes I get a good feeling. I get a feeling that I've never ever ever ever had before. No no. I get a good feeling. Yeah.

No, my pain is not gone yet. The good feeling is the swift relief I feel when I take my pain meds properly. I've only been taking one because I didn't want to run out before the pain was gone, but when I called my dentist to find out if I could take anything on top of it, she said that if I ran out before the pain was gone, she could refill it for me. So now I'm taking the full dosage. Happily, the pain is mostly gone, but it makes me SO tired.

I miss being active. Last week, Nick was home and we were out and about a lot, so I didn't really workout at all. And this week, I'm not allowed to workout. Apparently, if my heart rate gets too high, it will raise my blood pressure, which could blow out the clots in my tooth holes and make me bleed all over the place.

I've been reflecting on this today. I used to live like this normally. Sitting or laying around doing nothing. I feel like crap, but this used to be my average day! The only difference is that I used to snack all day on top of doing nothing. Luckily, I'm not to eat normal food until the pain has subsided completely and I feel comfortable eating.

Don't worry! I've been drinking Slim Fast 3x a day to make sure I'm getting all the nutrients I need and Greek yogurt for breakfast and other healthy soft foods. Anyway, I'm looking forward to working out again, whenever that will be.

May the fourth be with you!

Pain, Gain, and a Bargain

Last night, I went to the dentist to get my crown for the tooth that had a root canal a couple weeks ago and 3 fillings. The plan was to come back on Thursday to have my remaining 3 wisdom teeth removed. My dentist had spare time last night, so she offered to just do them last night. I agreed. I'm not sure if I'm brave, stupid, or a little bit of both. I woke up last night automatically every time I was due for a new pain pill. I anticipated pain, but nothing this bad. On the bright side, this should do it for dental work for a long time.

My dentist happens to have an 18-month-old girl born the day after Bear, so we decided we should take our kiddos out on a play date some time. Since she is so busy with her job, she said it would be next month at some point and would call me for it. We'll be taking the girls to this place called Jump City. It should be fun!

Before all this pain, I had spent the day at our Moving Sale. Nick sold his server and rack! Then, we went to Blockbuster to pick up some movie shelves our family purchased from their closing sale. Nick and I also purchased a couple movies and I got a great deal on a game. I had looked at the games they had out and they were, of course, the stupid ones because the closing sale had been going on for some time. But behind the counter, I saw the deep purple of Kinect games. I asked the guy about them and he said they were Just Dance 3. So I got it! $14.99! After recovery, I'll play it for a few days so I can give it a fair review.

Now, I shall let the narcotics do their job and take me to sleepy land.

May the fourth be with you!

WI 2/19/2012

Hmmm...this is a pretty gate.

As I approached the gate that brought me into the new week, I examined it further. It was pastel pink with white tips and round colorful balls all throughout. I had success the previous week and just knew I'd do great this week. When I got to the gate, I discovered the gate was made of some strawberry Jolly Ranchers. The white tips were actually vanilla frosting and the colorful balls were Skittles.

Okay...Am I on the right path?

I didn't remember turning or anything, so I proceeded through the gate. The gate slammed shut behind me.

That's odd...it usually closes slowly.

Normally, there were temptations along the sides of the path, but this was ridiculous. There were cupcake bushes, candy trees, ice cream boulders, soda fountains, juice lakes, and other delicious creations. I also saw seats of bread, tables of pizza, willow trees of pasta, and other savory things.

Where is all the healthy food?

That's when I noticed the small plates of veggies and lean meats along the way. But they were so overwhelmed by the other things, I had to look closely to find them. I did, though, and ate the healthy things...and everything else too. I walked slowly, careful to not do too much work.

As this path ended, I saw the new gate for the new week. It was black and spikes protruded from the top. I figured I must have somehow gone the wrong way, so I turned around to look. Pitch black. I couldn't see anything. The only way to go was through the scary gate. Slowly, I stood on the scale and then I knew what what was happening.

200.2

"No!!!"

A mysterious force dragged me through the gate that takes me out of Onederland.

"I don't want to go!"

I heard and felt my nails scraping and breaking against the hard concrete floor, but it was useless. The gate slammed when I was in and
I heard the gate lock. I stood up and examined my surroundings. It was dark. A flashlight appeared in one hand and a note in the other. I shined the light on the note and it said this:

Katie-
Welcome back to the 200's. There is no path here, just wide open space and darkness. Isn't this fun?!? Here, you will enjoy everything you want to eat without real shame. You don't even need to move, the ground will move you further and further from the gate without you needing to use any energy at all and the food will appear before you. It will only cost you your figure and your health. If you really insist on getting back to Onederland, you will need to use this flashlight to wander off the moving ground and run to seek out healthy foods and the key to the gate. Have a great time!

Love,
Gluttony

PS-haha! Take THAT, Willpower!

This is going to be a loooooong week.

May the fourth be with you.

WI Announcement

I will be weighing in on Sunday instead of tomorrow to give myself an extra day to get rid of my Valentine's Day binge. lol

WI 2/11/12 and Workout Game Review: Just Dance 2, Just Dance Summer Party, & Just Dance 3

So I had a couple scares this week. As you know, for most of the month of January, we were in Marshfield, Wisconsin for Nick's work and I fell behind in my WLJ...aka jumping back up to 196.6. Well, as much as I promised myself things would improve as soon as I got home, they didn't. A random mid-week WI on Wednesday showed a 2 lb gain. A mere 1.4 lbs away from 200.

Hecks NO! Get your butt into gear, girly!

OK!

Then I weighed myself yesterday to prepare myself for today and I saw 200.6. My hubby then informs me that the scale sometimes isn't zeroing out and low-and-behold, when I tapped it, it showed 3.2. I kept tapping until it zeroed out and weighed myself at 197.4.

Whew...

Weighed In today at 196.6, which means I maintained from last week and lost 2 lbs since Wednesday. I've been keeping to my calories and working out hard. 1 hour of Your Shape: Fitness Evolved, 1 hour of Dance Central, and 30-60 minutes of stationary bike at a moderate to vigorous pace.

WORKOUT GAME REVIEW:
Just Dance 2, Just Dance Summer Party, & Just Dance 3

These games are tons of fun and a great burn if you're doing it right. I can't give a review for the original Just Dance because I've never tried it, but the subsequent games are revolutionary in the genre of Dance Gaming and offer a great way to kill some calories.

Dancing in general is an amazing workout because it involves a full-body workout. The Just Dance Series has songs for the beginner and songs for those who have been dancing a long time. There were about 2 or 3 songs in Just Dance 2 that I couldn't get 5 stars on. However, I managed to get 5 stars for all the songs in Just Dance Summer Party and Just Dance 3. Each song shows its level of difficulty (1-3 gears) and the level of exertion you'll put out in the song (1-3 sweat drops). So some songs may be really easy, but a hard burn or vice versa or any other combination.

Most of the songs are well known in our culture, but there are some obscure songs and some multicultural songs as well.

People of all ages will find enjoyment in this game unless they hate dancing...if they hate dancing, that is sad for them. :'(

There is a Just Sweat mode where you set a weekly goal for sweat points earned and it will track your sweat points for you. More on sweat points later in the Cons section.

PROS: Fun. Fun. FUN!!! The game is fun and you will be through an hour of dancing before you even know it. It has enormous replay value. Like any dance class you may have taken, the more you dance, the better you get. After having played Just Dance 2 for several months, I picked up the dances in Just Dance Summer Party and Just Dance 3 rather quickly. These games are also a blast either alone or with lots of people (up to 2 players in Just Dance 2 and Just Dance Summer Party and up to 4 in Just Dance 3). Just Dance 3 is offered on Xbox 360 (with Kinect), Wii, and PS3 (with Move). I own it on Wii and love it and tried it on the Kinect in a store and loved it more. The Kinect version has the benefit of being hands-free, which is all I really got to try. If there's a Just Dance 4, I will be purchasing it for the Kinect.

CONS: It's super easy to do a half-butt job with the Wii. You could technically stand still and just move your right arm and you'll get a great score with great sweat points. (This could be viewed as a pro as well if someone doesn't have the ability to use their legs. My mother-in-law and her mother are going to be trying it out with just hands pretty soon, so I'll review it for that purpose when it happens.) That brings me to sweat points. My biggest complaint about these games. It's the game's way of determining how hard you're working. It is not a direct sweat point to calorie burned ratio! I tend to do a 10 sweat point to 1 calorie burned when I track it, but even that is more of a guesstimate. The game doesn't know your weight or heart rate, so it's guessing. If you want to know how many calories you're burning, invest in some kind of heart rate monitor. Just Dance Summer Party is pretty much all the DLC songs from Just Dance 2, which makes me not want to purchase any for Just Dance 3 lest they release a game this summer with all the DLC songs on it. Also, if you're only going to buy one, don't make it this one. The songs are simpler and do not require much exertion to do, so your workout will be longer to get the workout you want.

Overall, I recommend this game series. Like I said before, I can't say anything for the first game or much about the Kinect experience (nothing of the PS3 experience), but on its original platform it's great fun. If you become tempted to not move your feet or left arm, remember, your cheat may get you a better number in the game, but it won't give you a better number on the scale.

May the fourth be with you!

Workout Game Review: Wii Fit and Wii Fit Plus

I thought y'all might be interested in more in-depth looks at some workout games that I've tried. If there is a game you'd like me to review, please comment and I will do my best to obtain it and try it. I do not have a PS3 Move, so that platform is out of the question. However, I do have a Wii (with a Wii Balance Board) and an Xbox 360 (with Kinect).

Since I my current WLJ began with Wii Fit, I felt it should be my first review. This game is AMAZING for beginners (both on gaming and on WLJ). It is quite simple with goals. Upon first playing, It will weigh you and ask for a goal weight and a time frame to get there.

*Note: The Wii Balance Board has a weight limit of 330 lbs.

It will also run agility and balance tests. It then takes those results and gives you your Wii Fit Age. If it is under your age or within 2 years over, it's good. You then stamp a calendar saying you took your daily body test. (The more you login, the more variety of stamps you get.)

There are strength, yoga, balance, and cardio games for you to choose from when you decide to start game play. Strength and Yoga options are more like a straight workout you'd do in any gym. The Balance and Cardio games are the standout fun in this game. Cardio games that I enjoyed were the Hula Hoop and Step Aerobics. My favorite Balance games were Table Tilt and Balance Bubble.

PROS: As I previously said, this game is great for beginners, but even if you've been on your WLJ for a while, these games are fun and may be good switch-up-your-workout activities. If you want to start off with the first game for a while and then in a few months or weeks, you want to get the second, your info from the first game automatically transfers to the second. The games are simple to figure out, so you'll quickly be able to get into your workout.

CONS: The game has no built-in way to determine calories burned. However, some Wii Fit and Wii Fit Plus activities are in the database for myfitnesspal and Weight Watchers. The maximum weight limit is a draw back for some as well. I knew someone who was going to try it, weighed in, it kicked the person off and the person felt discouraged from losing to be able to use it. It's ironic that the accessory for a game that's major goal is to help people lose weight can't handle a greater limit. Since it was amongst the pioneer group of workout gaming, it is very simplistic and if you don't select the right games, you'll have to work super hard to get a burn in some cases. Games that don't require the Wii Balance Board and only the Wiimote tend to not register well. I would like the jogging game more if it did.

Overall, I would recommend these games. The game is good for its purpose and a good place to start your WLJ, as well. Now that it's been out for some time, there are quite a few games that require or are compliant with the Wii Balance Board, so it's not like that bridesmaid's dress you wore once and will never wear again. Enjoy!

May the fourth be with you!

WI 2/4/12

Suck.

Ugh.

OK. So I royally sucked at eating and working out this week. I figured I would have a gain, but this is ridiculous. I gained 6.6 lbs. I am now 196.6, which is dangerously close to 200. Gotta get out of this funk. Perhaps being home will help.

May the fourth be with you!

Ughzores

Figured I should probably blog about how I'm feeling right now.

Biggest Loser's theme this season is "No Excuses". I need to start living like that. I have been horrid this week. I am sure I will have a gain at this Saturday's WI and it will suck.

Tomorrow I head home and I can't wait to get there. I miss my family, my home, my schedule and my familiar lifestyle. I don't want to eat out again for quite some time.

If anyone has been looking at myfitnesspal food diary, you'll notice I've discovered this fast food restaurant called Culver's. On the bright side, I don't think I'll be able to eat fast food or ice cream anywhere else for a while either. It's fabulous, but oh so horrible for you.

Tomorrow is a new day and I'll be home soon and back on track. My goal is to start my no pop or sweets thing starting tomorrow. Let's see how that goes.

May the fourth be with you!

Resurrected Willpower

Ugh...gotta get back on plan today...maybe I'll have a piece of that lemon blueberry marscapone first, THEN I'll get back on track.


*small voice* I don't think you really want to do that


Willpower? Is that you?


Yes. I'm back, but still weak. It'll take a while for me to regain my strength.


Yay! I'm sorry about killing you off!


I forgive you. Now let's get you to Comicon 2013!


I was reading in Galatians yesterday and came across the part about the fruits of the spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and SELF-CONTROL. Now, I won't claim to be perfect in the other ones. Anyone who has been in the car while I'm driving can attest to my lack of patience in that circumstance. However, with this lifestyle change I've been working on, self-control has been at the front of my mind.

Call it what you like. Willpower. Self-control. Whatever. Even if you're not a Christian, this is a good characteristic to have. The ability to say "no" is vital to survival. Whether it's refusing to do drugs, drink too much at a party, do that extra errand when you're feeling like butter scraped over too much bread, or denying that buttery bread, you will not be in good mental or physical health without it.

So often, people think of God's commands as only for Him. However, He LOVES us. Those things He asks for us to do and be will benefit us. Look at the list of the fruits of the spirit. What if everyone in the world embraced those things? Think about how good things would be! I'm just sayin'.

May the fourth be with you!

Remembering Nathaniel

On this day in 2009, I lost my unborn baby, who I named Nathaniel (gift from God) after the loss.

Unless you have experienced a miscarriage, there is no way to comprehend the loss. It's not only a loss of a precious little life, but of the potential life he or she had in front of him or her. First steps, first day of school, graduation, wedding, watching him or her become a parent. I will never experience those things with Nathaniel. Never.

I remember him on this day every year. It was how I was able to pull myself out of the funk the loss pulled me into. I promised myself one day a year to mourn him. Not that I don't remember him the rest of the year, but this day, I allow myself to grieve.

To all those out there who have experienced a similar loss, I know what you're going through. You probably won't ever forget your little one, but life will get easier to live as time passes. I remember you and keep you in my prayers today.

Taking a break from my diet and exercising today. Will get back on again tomorrow.

Success!

Today I went the whole day without sweets! It's the first day I've followed through with my no sweets rule and I feel awesome about it. I have now been several days without pop (though I admit to having a sip with some pain relievers tonight) and I am quite pleased with that too.

Next month, I am getting a root canal, fillings, and my final 3 wisdom teeth removed. Today, the tooth the root canal will be performed on started aching badly. Everything I eat hurts. The procedure won't be done until the 6th of February, so hopefully I can last that long.

Aside from that, things are going well here in Wisconsin. Not much to do, but Bear and I are keeping each other good company during the day. She's started walking and she's gibbering even more than before. I love her so much.

Tomorrow, I plan to continue doing well with my eating and kicking my own butt working out.

May the fourth be with you!

Weigh-In 1/21/2012

Through all my failures this week eating-wise, I still pulled a significant loss! This week, I weighed in at 192.4, meaning I lost 3.2 lbs this week.

Changing my eating lifestyle is certainly not easy. I wasn't raised to know that I should stop eating when I feel satisfied. In our culture, just about every social gathering consists of gluttonous indulgence which I've gladly consumed every time for my entire life. Sure, yesterday I decided to no longer eat desserts and today, I decided to cut out soda too, but I don't have a switch that I can flick down to shut off my desire for those things. It would make life SO much easier if I could, though...

I am extremely happy with my loss. I kicked my butt hard this week with my workouts and this is a massive encouragement to do the same this week. Comicon 2013, here I come!

May the fourth be with you!

It Can't Be Too Bad

"It can't be too bad"

Dangerous words.

VERY dangerous words.

I did super good today with my eating choices. Had oatmeal for breakfast and a salad for lunch. I drank more than enough liquids for the day. I even ordered a meal from Applebee's that was 500 calories. I worked out and killed nearly 550 calories in doing so and I still had some food calories left for the day, so I figured having a dessert couldn't be TOO bad.

FYI: if you say that to yourself, it probably is.

I ordered a Maple Butter Blondie.

It was 1100 calories.

So I shed some tears when we got back to the hotel room, thinking and telling Nick how much I hated myself for my lack of self-control. He said "just don't eat cake anymore." And I agreed it was a good plan.

However, I think my sweet-tooth issue is worse than that. Cookies, candies, brownies, donuts, muffins, tarts, and, my favorite, cake. Those temptations are horrible little boogers.

I know a lot of diets say to indulge a little every once in a while, but I just don't think that mindset is working for me. I indulge too much and I have difficulties saying "no" if I allow it ever.

The first time I was able to get down to 160, when I was in Master's Commission, I had cut soda and all sweets from my diet. I think I'm going to cut sweets again. At least until I hit my ultimate goal. Then I'll start reintroducing them slowly. If I just say "no" to it all, I won't have to worry about "it can't be too bad" because it won't even be an option.

May the fourth be with you!

Exercise-Diet=Absolutely Pointless

So I've been back on the exercise train for some time now. I've been kicking my butt everyday for weeks and have had gains for 3 weeks in a row. Why?

Exercise-Diet=Absolutely Pointless

Seriously. At best, it will limit your gain or help you maintain. However, if the goal is weight loss, not watching what you eat simply nullifies the exercise put in.

I've been trying harder with the food this week. Granted, I haven't been awesome, but I haven't been as bad as I have been lately. I'm hoping for a loss this week, but right now losses don't even feel real...don't get me wrong. I'll be glad for losses, but I won't feel like I'm really making progress toward my ultimate goal until I get back down to 181 again (the lowest point on this WLJ).

May The Fourth Be With You!

Snacks+TV=Disaster

I generally don't have a massive appetite at meals.

Why?

I'll tell you in the form of a formula: Snacks+TV=Disaster

I've been trying to spot weaknesses in my eating habits as I kickstart healthy eating again and this is one I've discovered. Frankly, I haven't had much time to sit and watch TV back home, so it really wasn't much of an issue there. However, when the TV is right there in the center of your only room, as it is in the hotel, it's pretty irresistible.

I had done pretty well yesterday up until right after nap time. I gave Bear her snack of Hormel meat, cheese, and crackers and turned on iCarly. She turned her nose up at it. So I take. A couple bites to demonstrate it's delicious. Next thing I know, it's all gone...it WAS delicious. So then I try Pringles with her and she likes those. So we eat them together...but I eat most of them and polish off the can.

Upon reflection, I do tend to have food in front of me every time O watch TV or a movie...that's going to changing.

Another danger zone for me is the kitchen. I'm often in there cleaning, doing dishes, or making food for Bear and/or the family and I'm there eating the whole time I'm in there.

If I make a point to change these behaviors, it may help toward my ultimate goal.

May the fourth be with you!

Swift Kick in the Butt

Oh my goodness. I am dying.

I knew it was going to be more difficult to diet when the rest of the family moved out to The Barn, but I really didn't know how weak my will power was until it actually happened. It died. I don't know the exact moment, but I have a feeling it went something like this:

Ooooo! Pie! Cake! Cookies! Candy! Rice! Bread! NOM NOM NOM NOM!

No! Don't do it! Comicon 2013! Fitbit!

I'm sick of you! *pulls out Rory (my shotgun) and shoots willpower point-blank in the face*

And the feasting began. DON'T get me wrong. I am NOT blaming my family by any means. They have been supremely supportive verbally and in action. There are always tons of veggies at every dinner and I can make my own food if there is an unhealthy option. I and ony I am in charge of my breakfasts, lunches, and snacking. This is all on me.

I have gained 14.6 lbs since the lowest point on this WLJ and am getting dangerously close to 200 again.

Now here I am on a 3-week business trip with my hubby where my only cooking appliance will me a microwave and I am sure we'll be eating out tons. I did have the forethought to bring my Wii. I really wanted to bring my Kinect and Xbox360, but Nick didn't think it would survive the flight here.

Action Plan: I may actually be investing in a Fitbit over the next few days despite my complete failure at the simple goal we set for me and I am planning on using Myfitnesspal more often and opening my food diary to the public again. I also plan to try to blog at least 3 times a week for accountability and sanity's sake.

Hopefully I can resurrect willpower with these steps over the next few weeks.

The Fitbit

Whilst shopping at Best Buy with Nick's family the other day, I was looking at exercise goodies.  I've been trying to find a good HRM to track calories burned and such.  I saw they were selling the Body Bugg...to expensive...AND a subscription fee...ick.  Then there was its competitor Bodymedia...same deal.  Then I saw it...this little clip right next to it...

Fitbit...hmm...$99.99!  Not bad...I bet there's a subscription fee, though.

I searched the packaging for more information to find out the online tools are FREE!

Holy carp!  I NEED one of these!

Frantically, I searched the store for my missing hubby.  In ANY other store, it would be EASY to find him.  He's a tall guy and he's generally found in the electronics section of any department store...however, this was Best Buy.  He could literally be ANYWHERE in the store geeking out.  Finally, I found him with the in-dash navigation systems.  While approaching him, I saw that look in his eye.  If I let him speak first, I was going to get an ear-full of technical jargon that I wouldn't understand, so I spoke as I approached him.

"I need this."

*handed him the product*

"What is it?"

"Remember that BodyBugg Courtney was talking about?  It's a competitor for that, only there's NO subscription fee online and it's WAY less expensive."

"How much?"

"$99.99"

"Wow...tell you what.  You get down 10 lbs by the end of January and I'll buy this for you."

"YAY!"

The reason why my goal date has been moved to the first week of February is because my asthma got bad with a cough and my doc put me on prednisone (a steroid) to help my airways clear out.  I was afraid the steroid would make me gain and Nick agreed it wasn't totally fair with that obstacle, so he agreed to extend it out a week.

Also, last night, Nick bought me Your Shape: Fitness Evolved for the Kinect.  I haven't had a chance to try it out yet, but I am going to today.

Finally, I am adding Dance Central to my list of recommendations.  It is SO much fun!  You'll be an hour into it before you realize.  My only caution is that I'm pretty sure it underestimates calories burned.  If you're tracking with Myfitnesspal, I would recommend putting it in as General Dancing.

Nick thinks this should be my closing phrase until ultimate goal date:

May the 4th be with you!