Sudden Grief

You know what I mean. You're going about your day, watching Disney with your daughter when you check your Facebook...

Your best friend wrote you asking you to call her immediately 15 minutes earlier. This isn't normal.

That's when it came. I felt like Loki being thrown around by the Hulk. One of my best friends from high school, Tim Stephens died in a car accident last night.

In high school, Tim, Sonya, Jason, and I were inseparable. Even before Sonya, the three of us were good friends. All of us were always doing things together. They were always at my house eating my parents out of house and home. At youth events, all of us hung out with each other. The two of us were total opposites. He was totally a cowboy and I was a city slicker. There were lots of jokes about that. He was a loyal friend then, and I'm sure he carried on that characteristic throughout the last several years. Regretfully, I lost contact with him over the years, but recently found him again on Facebook after around seven years of lost contact.

You know that feeling when you see a really good friend for the first time in years? You just carry on like no time has passed. This was like that. I instantly felt like I had just seen him yesterday and now he's gone.

I've experienced deaths in my life. Grandparents and acquaintances. This is the first time a good friend has passed.

While I do grieve and I have cried, there is also a blessed hope. Tim knew God. He is with Him now.

I look forward to the day when the four of us will hang out again; with every other family member and friend in the blessed presence of God.

Defeat

Defeat. There few worse feelings than the feeling of defeat.

If you let it, it will drag you down.

If you let it, it will keep you down.

If you let it, I will make the horrible your norm.

If you let it, you'll forget where and who you are.

That's a difficult place to pull out of.

The key is to recognize where you might be in these levels. I have been gaining and losing the same 15 lbs since last July. My clothes are tight. I am out of shape. I know what I ought to be doing and don't do it. I have made the horrible my norm. I'm beyond being held down or dragged down by defeat. At some point, I subconsciously gave up.

Time to cowgirl up.

Divine Intervention

I don't know about you, but I hear a lot of others talk about how such-and-such a thing was "divine intervention". Up until this week, I'd only had what I considered divine intervention twice in my life and that was twice in the same year. The first was when I called Sonya for the first time to hang out. Her phone didn't even ring because at that exact same time, she was picking up the phone to call me. You have to understand we barely knew each other. We were in the same french class, but sat on opposite sides of the room. We were in Concert Choir, but she was an alto and I was a soprano. We didn't have mutual friends. We didn't go to church together. The only reason we had each other's number was that a year before, she had asked me to help her learn her part for choir.

The second time was at the end of my senior year in high school. I was driving home from school with my brother, who had somehow managed to fall asleep in that short amount of time. A car had been tailing me the whole drive, so he didn't see my blinker or brake lights when I went to turn on my street. He hit my rear going 45 mph and I was shoved straight toward a ditch. I pushed harder on the brake, to stop us. When we finally came to a stop, my brother woke up and we were somehow right beside the ditch rather than in it. The car was totalled and I got severe whiplash (causing me to wear a brace to graduation and giving me a twitch that I still have to this day), but my brother was uninjured and my injuries would have been much worse if we had crashed into the ditch.

On Sunday this week, Bear had two bumps show up on her shoulders. I dismissed them as bug bites. On Tuesday, she had two more, I still dismissed them. She plays a lot outside. However, on Wednesday morning, she had several bumps along the top of her back, a few more on the left of her back, two under her armpit, one on her tummy, and one behind her leg. This concerned me, so I called to make an appointment with her doctor. The only time she had available was 4:00, which worked out nicely because Julie was giving me a ride and wouldn't be back until around 3:00. At lunch, she only had a few bites of Mac n' cheese and I couldn't get her to drink after her chocolate milk she had at 8:00 that morning. She wanted Lewis to hold her, but she didn't want to play. She took her nap an hour early. When she woke up, she turned on her mobile and just laid there silent. She didn't call for me or start playing with her toys. When I came in and turned the light on, she didn't stand up to greet me. I went over to her and asked if she wanted to get up. She said "yeah," so I picked her up. Hot with fever, limp. I tried sitting her down and she didn't want to separate from me. So I laid her on top of me on the couch and took her temperature. 101.4. She cuddled with me until Julie got back (around an hour); unusual because she's not a cuddler.

We rushed to her doctor who promptly sent us on to the ER at Seattle Children's Hospital when her temp was 102.4, her HR was 204, and her breathing was a bit low. Just as we were getting ready to go, Bear threw up what little she had eaten and drank that day. Rushed to the ER where they did every test in the book and started pumping fluids through an IV. Just as we thought she was getting better, she started shaking severely and threw up again. We were admitted. Through the rest of the night, they continued giving her fluids and checking her vitals. When the doctor came to look at her in the morning, it turns out the illness and "rash" were separate things. The rash was actually bug bites. She has some virus that was wreaking havoc on her body.

Had she not had all those bites, she would not have been able to get into her doctor's until the next day. Had she not gone to the doctor's we would not have gone to the ER until the shaking (around 11:30 PM). It would have been much worse than it ended up being. Why did the bugs decide she was a buffet when she hasn't had any bites so far this summer? Divine Intervention.

God cares.

The Potency Of Parental Emotion

There are some things you can't grasp unless you experience them yourself. When I became a mother, when I held Mary in my arms for the first time and looked into her beautiful eyes, I thought I understood a mother's love for her child. It's immediate and overwhelming and wonderful. However, nothing really prepares you for when your child is sick and getting poked with needles in unmentionable places and examined by every doctor, nurse, and their mothers. This has been a long day.

This morning, Bear woke up with a spreading rash on her back. I set an appointment for this afternoon. She didn't really touch her mac n' cheese at lunch, which is odd for her, and took her nap nearly an hour early. When she woke up, she had a fever of 101.4 and she was limp and lethargic. When we got to her appointment, we discovered her temp had gone up, her pulse was 204, and she puked up what little she had to eat and drink. Her PA sent us to the ER at Seattle Children's. In the ER, they took blood (slightly high white blood cell count), examined her, pumped fluids through an IV and took a urine sample in the most painful way. Just when we thought she was improving, she puked again, her temp went back up, and her pulse increased again. They decided to have her admitted so we can figure this out. Everyone is stumped. My little one is now asleep snuggling Bucky the Beaver (Beanie Baby) because she threw up on her lamb.

I wept with her. I felt her pain. I hungered and thirsted along with her. I laid with her on the exam bed. I hated being powerless to help her.

How much more does God love us? Our parental relationship with our children is meant to reflect God's love for us. He weeps with us. He feels our pain. The difference is that He is not powerless. He is omnipotent. He fulfils our hunger and thirst and provides comfort when we need it. If what I've experienced today is at all what God feels for us, we are truly blessed.

On another note, I have a new understanding for parents of ill children. I don't know how you do it day after day; I could barely handle one day. My heart and prayers go out to you tonight.

BFF

I was using this phrase before it was popular. It actually means something to me. My BFF is Sonya McKinnon. We met in high school. I introduced her to her hubby. We did Master's Commission. We left around the same time. She was essentially an adopted member of my family. We've been through so much and have depended on each other for a shoulder to cry on, even if we were on opposite coasts. We have mourned our miscarriages and celebrated the births of our children. We wept when my family fell apart and celebrated when we found out she was moving to Washington.

No matter how long it's been since we've seen each other, we always just pick up where we left off. Just recently, I saw her for the first time in 5 years. The first thing that happens is Bear vomiting on her carpet. No big deal.

It took me until my Senior year of high school to get my BFF. I was a teenager with an extremely low self-esteem and didn't trust very easily. I had moved many times and had friends say that they would stay in touch and it didn't happen, despite my best efforts. But there was something about Sonya; something told me I could trust her (probably the Holy Spirit). So I did. And we've been sisters ever since.

Are you open to people or have you corked yourself into a bottle of solitude? Are you too afraid to meet and spend time with new people? Now, I'm not saying to just trust people instantaneously, but you shouldn't close yourself off.

Who knows. Maybe that wall flower is your BFF and you both just don't know it yet.

Busy Bees

"I'm tired from my long day."

"I can't wake up early."

"I can't do it because I'm on vacation."

"I have too much studying/homework/work."

The list goes on and on. We are such a busy culture and we often look down upon those who do take breaks (Heaven forbid). We have so much in our personal schedule that it interferes with other things that are important: God and our family. Why is it that real quality time with those we love most is placed below everything else on our list of priorities? How often have you snapped at a loved one because you were in the middle of something? It's just not right.

If you don't have time for God and your family, you're too busy. It's time to cut something out or ask for help in accomplishing your tasks. It is vital not only for your sanity, but also for your soul to slow down and have relationships with people.

Take a break or you will get broken.

Pro Ana?!?

I've heard of these websites. Places where people with eating disorders can encourage their anorexic or bulimic behaviors. However, when I went and looked at them to see if I'm in danger of going there myself, I was horrified (which I think means I'm not).

I nearly cried at the lies these people believe about themselves. They honestly believe they're worthless and on each site I went to, they proudly proclaimed that their lifestyle may kill them, but they believe that means they've truly reached perfection. How terrible. I wanted to reach through my computer and embrace the authors and tell them that these things are not true. They are created in God's image and He loves them regardless of their appearance.

On one site, they listed 70 reasons to not eat and they were familiar to me. Had I seen such a list before? No. But they are the same lines my personal demons have used on me in the past. I won't be specific about it, but they were each along the lines of saying I'm worthless and ugly and the only control I'll ever get is to starve myselfl

These are NOT true. Do not believe these tired lies that the enemies of God have been using on so many for so long. You were fearfully and wonderfully made.

Blood Is Thicker Than Anything

There has been a very unfortunate, and public, dissolution of a family I know and it breaks my heart to see.

Some of you may know about my own family issues. If you don't, there's no reason for me to dish out the details. Just trust me that it was/is a horrible situation. Through the climax of the problem, I took it upon myself to try to keep things together. Conversations and interventions took place on several occasions, but nothing worked. After losing my car and going into debt to the tune of around $4500 over trying to her things, I finally gave in that there was nothing I could do. Rather than immediately give it over to God, I gave up on Him for a while. I blamed Him for allowing everything that happened and often wept in despair. Thank goodness for Nick, who never gave up on God. After a few months, I gave it over to God.

That was a year and a half ago.

Are things perfect now? Absolutely not. Are hearts beginning to heal? Yes, for the most part.

There are some hurts that simply cannot go away with a simple "I'm sorry;" even if it's sincere. Some things take time. Some things don't or won't change. But the moral of the story is this: family can overcome anything over the course of time; don't let your problems consume you because it won't solve anything, it will just drive you crazy.

Being A Yes Or No Woman

Matthew 5:34-37 (Jesus speaking)
34"But I say to you, make no oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, 35 or by the earth, for it is the footstool of His feet, or by Jerusalem, for it is THE CITY OFTHE GREAT KING. 36 "Nor shall you make an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. 37 "But let your statement be, 'Yes, yes' or 'No, no'; anything beyond these is of evil.

It's a good thing I haven't been making oaths on this diet. lol.

Seriously, though. How often do we (I) say "I'll start doing better tomorrow or on such-and-such a day"? I say it all the time. Do I follow through? Sometimes; until the temptation gets to difficult to give in to. We're not guaranteed tomorrow or such-and-such a day. We need to make our yeses and Nos true.

Have you been guilty of not following through? Me too. I'm not just talking diet. This could be any variety of things. Just pray for help and get to it.

Let's let our yes be yes and our no be no starting right now.

Dark Night

My heart goes out to those people and their families who victimized in Aurora, Colorado last night. It is simply atrocious how evil people can behave without any apparent motivation.

I understand every person has their own way of coping, but the image of Batman is just that: an image, a fictional character. He doesn't dole out justice or weep for the citizens of this world or pray to God. I've seen picture after picture of Batman with a ribbon or Batman with a cross. I'm not saying it's wrong or offensive, but I think that there is something important to keep in mind.

A real Hero does exist. He weeps for the wicked choices men make and for those who are directly affected by it. Justice and wrath will be given to those who dedicate their lives to evil; mercy and salvation to those who love Him and His ways. He is always with us to guide us and He daily defends us.

He is the Hero we should be seeking.

Grown-Up Nerds Live In Neverland

Why do we have to grow up or out of the things we love? Life is so full of depression and madness, why not escape to Neverland every once in a while?

I am a geek and proud of it.

I love Doctor Who and super hero movies; Disney and Muppets; Mickey Mouse and Blues Clues and I'm fairly certain I like My Little Ponies more than Bear does.

I'm not ashamed of this. I have FUN while playing with and watching shows/movies with my daughter. Of course, there are kids shows that irritate me. I can't stand Barney's voice. I want a bird to fly down and rip out his vocal cords so he goes mute. I can't stand Dora. Did you not hear my daughter say "backpack" 10 million times already? Can't you remember 3 directions? I mean, one of them is reaching the destination!

I digress. I may be teased for my nerdiness, but I enjoy my life. Do you? What are you a geek for? I'd like to hear some of your childish dreams.

Do The Potty Dance!

I cannot express how happy I am that Bear is now potty training. She has yet to do anything in the toilet, but she does sit on it and enjoys flushing it. The other day, I was writing about envy. Well, that's because I was really wanting another baby, but we aren't in the situation where it would work right now. I've been praying for God to help me overcome this envy and I think He has.

I am SO done with changing diapers all day. Steadying a squirmy toddler so I can get er done, getting poop on me accidentally, dealing with changing the bag in the diaper champ. Done. It didn't really bother me until she told me she was ready to start trying the potty with an enthusiastic nod. The moment I sat her on that toilet, I realized the freedom I'm missing out on.

The effect? Intense research, shopping for a training potty, downloading the Pull-Ups Potty Dance App, immediately beginning the potty training process. AND ready to be without diapers for a couple years.

Praise Jesus for swift answers to prayer!

I-I-I Workout

So it's been a while since I consistently worked out everyday, but I have been for about a week. For those of us who are self-conscious about our weight or those of us seriously trying to get healthy (or both), I think the enemy has a specific tactic for us. People say we don't workout because we're lazy, but that's not the case. I've known overweight people (including myself) who work harder than fit people. We have great discipline in other areas of our lives, but working out just seems to evade us.

Here's the line I think the enemy uses to derail us: you're tired from working so hard and if you work out, you'll feel worse and more tired.

Studies have proven over and over again that working out gives energy and happiness. I can tell you from experience that this is the case. When I go a long time without working out, my body is weary and my mind is weak. I tend to be moodier and more sensitive as well. However, when working out becomes a habit for me, I'm happier, more energetic, and less tired. Now, I'm not saying it's easy or that you'll see instantaneous results. It took a long time to get unhealthy, it will take a while to get healthy. In fact, it's hard; really hard. Don't start out too long or hard. You may actually be tired after working out for some days. As you continue to be diligent, you'll start feeling better.

I can hear some of you now: what does the enemy care about my weight and health. First of all, he hates our guts...all of us...and he will do anything to make and keep us unhappy. Second, this activity requires persistence, self-control, and discipline. Once we start using these in this area, they can spill out into other areas in our lives. We can start persistently praying and seeking God. We can start saying "no" to the things of this world. We can start making a difference in the Kingdom of God.

Why does the enemy care? Because if we succeed in improving ourselves to the glory of God, we can endanger his mission. Does he think you're a danger to his mission?

Minor Success. Major Celebration

I'm a midnight snacker. I admit it. Recent studies have shown it's not all bad to have a midnight snack because it keeps your metabolism working throughout the night...you just have to be selective about what you snack on.

There is this amazing key lime pie that called out to me all night long. It WANTED me to eat it. Every time I got up (2-3 times), it whispered my name from the fridge. Finally, I ended up standing in front of the fridge, staring, and arguing with myself.

To eat or not to eat? That is the question!

That's an easy one. Not.

What? That quick? We haven't even discussed things.

There's nothing to discuss. No.

But it's SO tasty!

So are bananas. Why don't you have a banana?

I'll start snacking better tomorrow.

You've said that everyday for the last few weeks. I no longer believe you.

*pout*

Don't you put at me! If you eat that, you'll only enjoy it as long as you're eating it. After, you'll feel guilty and beat yourself up about it. No sleeping for you!

Ugh...you're right...I'll have a banana...

So I had a banana and went to bed. That pie is still calling me, but after saying no all night to it, it's not so difficult now. Maybe I'm starting to get this self-control stuff.

The One I Wrestle With Most

Self-Control. Not in general. A specific self-control. Against food. I have been struggling with it ever since I was called "tubby" for the first time in 7th grade. Motivation to lose weight has gone back and forth between appearance and health. Now I see the issue is deeper than that.

By letting my cravings control by behavior, I give it a kind of power over me. I'm done allowing it to have power. I take it back and give it to God. No longer will I sit and mindlessly snack on butter toffee peanuts. No more dessert everyday. No more sky-high piles of food on my plate (twice). No more excuses or exceptions or just this last times anymore. As Sarah from Labyrinth said:

"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom as great. You have no power over me."

Only the castle is this moment, the Goblin City is my WLJ, the child is control, the Kingdom I am part of is greater than he who is of this world.

No longer will this darkness consume me to consume everything. I give it to my Light, my Way. He is my truth and I will embrace Him.

Envy Makes the Heart Grow Colder

Envy. The Bible warns about it, but it's one of the most difficult things to conquer. Especially when you see someone attaining what you want while you're in the midst of working on it. The foreigner taking the path to citizenship while seeing the alien live in a country illegally. The woman trying to conceive while seeing everyone around either pregnant or enjoying the children they have. The family living in a small apartment visits a family at their 3,000 sq ft home. The man stuck at the bottom seeing his coworker get promoted...again.

It's difficult. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. However, it is vital for us to avoid envy. Envy does more than make you unhappy with your current situation. If you allow it to remain, it will make you bitter. The bitterness will make you cynical. Your cynicism will cause you to judge the one you envy. That judgment will make you lash out at them. And, finally, that expressed anger will strain or destroy your relationship with that person.

The inward sin of envy leads to outward sin that affects people besides yourself. It's this way with any sin. One always leads to another.. the consequences get worse as they progress.

Be careful what you wish for.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff...Enjoy It!

It's easy to snap at the littlest things. Maybe someone in your family never empties their pockets before they put their dirties in the laundry. Maybe someone always leaves their half-drunk beverage on the counter and forgets about it. Maybe you stubbed your toe. Maybe you hate hypothetical situations. I think you get the point. These little things can ruin our whole day if we let them, so it's important to weigh the severity of the situation before reacting because, let's be honest, getting blow-up angry never really solves a problem, it only creates a new one.

Now let's turn things around. What if you let the little things make your day great. A smile from a stranger. A beautiful sunrise. Your little one's giggle when you tickle her. If we let the little good things affect us to the same level we let the little bad things do, maybe we'll be a bit happier.

Just food for thought.

Rip Van Winkle

I envy Rip Van Winkle sometimes; or anyone else who gets to sleep a full 8 hours every night. Most nights after I put Bear to bed at 8:00, I have at least an hour's worth of chores left. Then, I need to unwind before I can get to sleep. It's usually sometime between 11:00 and midnight when I finally get to bed and experience that glorious feeling when your sore body relaxes into your mattress. I love that feeling. I get up early to workout...well, you get the picture.

Some people would attribute this lack of sleep simply from being a mother. Sure, she keeps me busy, but there are other roles to fill as well on a daily basis: wife, daughter, sister, daughter-in-law, granddaughter-in-law, sister-in-law, niece-in-law, cousin-in-law, auntie, housekeeper, chef, minister...more than the average person needs to do everyday. But is this truly the root of my exhaustion? I think not.

There are lots of people who aren't mothers or wives or this or that and are just as tired as me. Why is that? Why is it that even if we get our full REM cycle, we still wake up weary. It's the burden of living in this world. Day after day, we are inundated with news of greed, lust, and anger (and I'm not just talking international news, this is personal news, too). I don't care who you are, living with that tension 24/7 is just too much for these physical bodies of ours.

How do we solve this? Sabbath. Friends who aren't Christians, stay with me here. While the Sabbath does represent God's resting after 6 days of creation, it is also designed for us. We just aren't built to go go go without ceasing. Once a week, I celebrate what I call Jammie Monday with Bear. Every Monday, we stay in our jammies and chill. I don't go anywhere or do anything (aside a couple dishes here and there). Now, I'm flexible. If something comes up that requires me to skip it, I do. But I feel it for the rest of the week.

I know not everyone has a full day to just relax. If you do, take it! If not, maybe set aside an evening every week where you do take-out and use disposable dishes and get comfy cozy with a good book or movie. No work allowed. I challenge you to do that. And after a while of this being habit, I'll bet you have a little more energy.

Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter Cleaning

To follow-up on yesterday's blog, donate the stuff you don't use to your local Goodwill or Salvation Army or whatever is there. Some people do Spring Cleaning where they not only clean, but go through their belongings and decide what is worth keeping. I challenge you to do it quarterly. Your home will be less cluttered and you'll be helping a good cause (and if you're like me, assisting in the running of your favorite shopping place).

Besides the material benefits, the Bible is chock full of passages about helping the poor and not storing up treasures here on Earth. You've read about faith without works being dead? Giving a man your coat if he asks for a shirt? "But I have no money to help them!" Maybe not, but I'd wager if you went through your closet, you'd realize just how many items you don't actually use. Someone else can use them!

That brings me to the second point. Don't be a dragon sleeping on your immense pile of treasure in your cave in a far off land. What use is all that gold for a dragon? It's not like they need to buy a house or clothes or food (villagers do just fine). I digress, it's selfish to hold on to things you don't use, but could be useful to others. One too many pans? Donate! Mix-matched sheets? Donate! Clothes you haven't worn in the last 3 months (aside from temperate reasons)? Donate! There is NO reason to keep it!

In the end, you can't take it with you. Your designer clothes and expensive accessories can't be worn through those Pearly Gates. Our real treasure is stored up in Heaven. It's better than any of the rubbish we have here. This world is not our home, so stop acting like it is. Make your short journey here worth it and show the love of Christ.

Donate. Donate. Donate.

I <3 Goodwill

Over the last few months, I've been trying to stay cheap when it comes to clothing. At first, I tried only shopping Clearance. I don't know if you've gone through a Clearance section lately, but it ain't what it used to be. A couple months ago Bear puked while we were out. It got on my shirt...a lot. I had a change of clothes for her, but not me. I tried going with just my undershirt, but felt naked. I quickly went to Old Navy and straight to Clearance. The cheapest thing I could find was a plain green t-shirt for $10! TEN BUCKS! On Clearance!

I thought, "There HAS to be a cheaper way to get clothes."

There was. That's when I discovered the bounty that is Goodwill. I often hear from people, "I can never find anything at Goodwill." I used to say the same thing. The reason people think that is due to our instant gratification culture. We think we should be able to walk in and out in minutes or click on it and we're done. Shopping at Goodwill, or any other second-hand store takes time. When I go, it's at least for an hour, if it's only clothes I'm looking for. If I'm looking at more, it could take up to 2 hours. But I can ALWAYS find something. Kids clothes are especially good because kids grow out of them so fast. Why spend $12 on a shirt she'll grow out of when I can get one just as adorable for $.99 at Goodwill?

So how do I find cute stuff at Goodwill? It's not skill; it's patience. Pure and simple.

Currently on The Young and the Restless...

That's how I often feel: young and restless. Before her strokes, my mother followed that soap everyday. Price is Right was right before it. When I was home sick, we would cuddle on the couch, my head in her lap as she stroked my hair, and watch together...well, I was usually asleep by the time the soap came on. I miss her.

Now, I fix her hair. I tuck her in when she stays over. I get her plate together and ensure she has Diet Coke when she's out at my home. I answer the hard questions for her (What state are we in? Are we going to my Dad's for the 4th? When will my brother's visit?). She can't remember my brother's or my birthdays. She often refers to my brother as "Rance" in conversation. The other day when conversing with Julie and Lewis on her way home she asked, "Now...Katie...she's my daughter, right?" It's difficult to see her like this, but I'm glad I'm able to be here for her.

This on top of being a mother, wife, cleaning, cooking, and worship leading makes for a restless, sleepy lady. Would I change any of these roles? No...maybe the cleaning part.

Direction Change

Originally, this blog was about my weight loss journey. After a couple months of reflection, I discovered the issue runs deeper than that. Over the last several years, I have dealt with some incredibly difficult circumstances. Some still affect me and attempt to steer me off course. My life is a constant struggle to remain pure, peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruit, unwavering, and without hypocrisy. This blog is now about my successes and failures with attaining these characteristics. Trust me...it's an amazingly difficult venture.